UPDATES..

It’s been a while since my last post. To get back on writing again really takes a lot of effort despite the fact that stories you would want to blog about can readily be culled from those months of experiences you have had. To put stories into words is not easy as it seems. It seems that my head is in the complete state of frozen paralysis not knowing how to begin all over again. Well let me start with my working life. Well, it’s been up and up for me. I’m starting to re-establish my connection with my job I once frowned upon. It was not deliberate a discontent and depression when I was beginning to put my heart and soul into it only to succumb to people’s deconstructive criticism over my job with their ripping off my confidence and zest. I’ve begun to realize that academics are all also liable to making big mistakes on a very a simple reason that there are humans like me. Thus relegating people because of their performances and being novice to the job they are responsible for is just uncalled for and it does show their not being unfair to themselves when they too used to go through the same process of learning in their life. It’s like rooms for improvement are all shut down and no second chances are allowed. Thanks to those kindi hearted people helping me to find my way, I managed to get it over with standing on my head. I've been repeatedly told to keep a cold head throughout. I’m doing just that and it works.

The past 4 months have seen numerous things worth rate of mention here. The story of the year would be an opportunity given to expand my career path. I won’t let people around me down. I will definitely show to them that I measure up to their expectation and am capable of doing things assigned to me. Students are on semester break at the moment. It really gives me some good space to readjust and re-energize my life for next year’s battle. Preparation for next semester’s class is yet to be finalized. Module writing is still in progress under Hj Wan’s supervision and constant fine-tuning is observed as a matter of course. English Camp collaborating with PSU university is slated to take place next week whose preparation is still up in the air despite a couple of meetings to get the ball rolling, yet it still sets my pulse racing; to meet those delegates coming for the program and to get it done with as soon as possible are all what I’m looking forward to. SEED and visit to PSU are also in the pipeline that both programmes also require manpower from my Centre to be part of the working committee. I hope everything will have been settled by tomorrow morning. It’s really been a great pleasure indeed to be working with the team I am with now. You guys rock!!

Dikesempatan Ini

Sudah dua bulan aku tidak meluangkan masa melakar ceritara kehidupan yang berlaku sepanjang tempoh ketiadaan aku disini. Aku terpaksa menghilangkan diri buat seketika dek kesibukan kerja yang tak pernah reda dan keresahan jiwa yang sentiasa mencuit-cuit aku perlukan sedikit ruang untuk menenangkan jiwa yang kelam dan kusam ini. Madrasah Ramadhan ini sedikit sebanyak telah mengubah hidup aku. Dari seorang yang tiada hala tuju kini aku sedar, berkat tarbiah bulan yang mulia ini aku lebih mengenali diri sendiri dan keperluan hidup ku yang singkat ini. Sekatan yang aku bina dulu dek keegoan untuk berkongsi suku duka kehidupan dengan insan lain sedikit sebanyak telah berjaya aku robohkan.

Aku akui dahulu aku adalah seorang yang sangat ego dan pentingkan diri sendiri. Aku seolah-olah menafikan kewujudan insan disekelilingku. Aku hanyut dalam duniaku sendiri dan pernah menyalahkan cara didikan sewaktu kecilku dahulu sehingga aku menjadi seorang manusia yang tidak begitu sensitif dengan apa yang terjadi di sekitarku. Terlalu banyak kisah duka menjadikan aku seorang manusia yang keras hati dan ragu- ragu akan keberadaan manusia disisi. Percanggahan perasaan yang aku alami antara rasa ingin bersendirian dan berteman sentiasa silih berganti membuatkan aku sentiasa berhati-hati untuk menerima kesudian insan lain mendekatiku.

Ramadhan kali ini memberi seribu satu makna pada diri ini dan biarlah makna itu menjadi rahsia hidupku. Aku bersyukur kerana diberi kesempatan untuk aku merasai ketenanagn dan kilau cahaya ramadani ini. Kesempatan singkat inilah sahaja dapat aku gunakan sebaik mungkin untuk aku merasai akan kesayuan dan kelazatan rasa nikmat ketengan itu yang telah lama aku inginkan . Kalau pun aku bergembira, ianya hanya bersifat sementara dan tidak mampu menjadi bibit bibit kenangan yang boleh aku ingati dan hargai. Semoga Ramadhan kali ini bukan Ramadhan yang terakhir..

Terima kasih Ramadhan

Love

I’m drowning in perplexity of perpetual knocks on my heart. Muffled voices from deep within keep telling me to reflect on my very existence. In heartrending solitude I try to make my way out to self-betterment but only to encounter a great many more ordeals that lie ahead of me. ‘That is life’ I’ve been told. The long-winding road to the peak of self-fulfillment seems rather bleak and without much hope. The road that I used to take has proved futile and now I am trying to continue the journey with the last choice that I have. I could see lush green valleys a long the way rendering sweet smiles and songs of sweet lullabies as I pass by. Those hearty pieces of music of the nature give me life and those broken specks of long shattered happiness of mine have begun to reshape and resolve into a petrified symbol that is called LOVE.

His Yesterday

Through the slit of the glasses,
Pasted plainly with white papers
Pensive, he overmuch misses
Solace snatched by the rapers

He’s groggy in agony,
Envious of the nature he sees,
Singing, humming merrily,
Showing him off its beauties

He wishes he was the breeze,
Dancing gladly with the leaves,
Pleasing creation as it blows,
Spreading love as red as a rose

O! he sadly groans and badly mourns
Over fate he has chosen
He wishes he was reborn
Himself, that’s long been gone

He told me he was afraid,
Wearing clothes of his old trait
I told him don’t hesitate
Wear it and you'll be great

For when you have Him with you
Forever your heart be true

Once Again

I’m not sure whether this is something that I can make it through. Before coming here I was pretty sure that this is what I had always wanted. This was right up my streets. This was something that defined me. But it has occurred to me that this is no easy job. And It leaves me in depravity of motivation to continue my service here.I hope it’s just a passing feeling, the very feeling that has always become the bane of my life since I started working here .A friend of mine said that I was too ambitious that I couldn’t come to terms to my current situation, being a novice who needs to accept the fact that the learning process is a long way to go. Yes, It does not happen overnight. However hard I try to get shot of it, it stills keeps trying to crowd on in me. It makes me feel dispirited. What’s more with not-so -good stories I’ve heard about myself lately. There are souls out here think that I m not really up to the mark . Ironically why they chose me to be working with them in the first place if they think of me otherwise. I must say I’m a bit baffled as to what they really want from me and now I’m beginning to doubt my own ability whether or not I am really cut out for the job. Only time will tell.

My oh My

I really had a bad hair day today. The morning didn’t turn out well for me when I got to know that one of the big wigs at my workplace is still speaking ill of me. He seems to be dissatisfied with my English when nobody has, as far as I know, a problem with it. I heard that he doesn’t like me putting on an American accent with a bit of its Kelantanese counterpart when I speak. Well, what’s the big deal about it? I’ve been using it for as long as I can remember and no body has so far lamed into me in that matter. What’s hurt me is the fact that he keeps telling people he meets the same story, of me not clearly pronouncing words and all. I do admit that I need to work a bit on my voice projection and I think that is what has caused this hullabaloo. Such a chatterbox he is. He shouldn’t have chosen me for the position in the first place if he thought that I was not up to the mark. This whole thing leaves me in despair and frustration. His bad-mouthing would definitely affect me in someway. Other staff are likely have doubt about my ability in my own field. What have I done really that he seems to have no pang of guilt in spreading bad stories about me? Hasn’t he got something better to do? Being on top doesn’t mean that he has every right to criticize people and being genius doesn’t even make him any better from his subordinates. Argh, enough about the person. I should actually count my self lucky for having such good friends- a bunch of rays of sunshine I would take them as, that I can always rely on. They tried so hard to pacify me this morning so that I didn’t really take it to heart.

By the way, I had a great outing with a few of my jovial and irritatingly fun colleagues just now. We went out to have our dinner at a restaurant that is just so abuzz with people looking for some respite I suppose. The place has become a stomping ground, I reckon for people in Kota Bharu on the weekend. They come here with friends and family that the ambiance of that place seems rather homey. It’s quite therapeutic to be seated by the riverbank while having your meals in the presence of those who never seize to make you laugh. They broke the night with jokes and funny anecdotes, mostly sleazy ones. I couldn’t help but burst into laughter throughout that joyfully half -crappy -half -informative chinwag. I really had the time of my life. How I wish I could make a night of it.

Here I am

Reading blogs has always been my cup of tea. Blogs filled with a whole lot of amazing stories by different kinds of people of different estimations on life never stop to amaze me. Sentiments intertwined in their stories gleaned from their experiences have urge me to share my own. Experiences that can probably serve as lessons of life .Besides; I think this is the only way by which I can hone my writing skills.-passion for writing that’s always been there for as long as I can remember.
It was actually this particular person who got me into blogging. A good friend of mine whose stories always get my attention. I had promised him to start my own blog, way back during years of my life at the Alma meter, but given the fact that the gut was still not there then, I decided to put it off until today, with the bursting desire to share what I’ve got, here I am, plopping in my seat, poised to pen for you stories that you may or may not like. Stories from someone who is still wet behind the ears, still in quest for a better life. Someone whose journey is filled with shards of past life. Someone who wants to make amend of those wasted past life and someone who’s willing to learn.

Happy reading